I do not talk to anyone, about anything, and it is really starting to get to me:
I'm scared to even start; I do not even know where to start. I don't trust just anyone, and the idea of talking to anyone in my family about anything makes my stomach hurt. I have maybe two or three friends I would feel more comfortable talking to, but it's not that easy to be like "Sit down, I have 21 years worth of built up baggage I need to get off of my chest." As much as I would like to, it just doesn't work like that. I'm sure if anyone is reading this they are like "Go see a therapist, go seek counseling, BLAH" My rebuttle to that is that I don't work that way. I've tried to go to counseling, three different times, and the results of that is me staring at the counselor because I don't feel comfortable talking. It's not that I don't trust therapists, but hear me out....Therapists do this for a living. I am no different than any other client that has issues and needs to get them off of their chests. At the end of the week I do not measure up any differently than anyone else that set foot in that office. If I am going to dig deep into my bag of feelings and give you insight into my thoughts and feelings, I am going to do that to someone who actually gives a shit and who knows me well enough to give me real advice. But my problem is that I do not know how to approach that. I do not want to bring anyone down, but I want to talk to someone so badly. I always thought I would be ok, I'd have a bad day or let things bother me, put on some music or maybe write about how I feel in my notebook before ripping it out and throwing it away, and then all will be well. LIES. That is just a temporary solution to a very built up permanent issue. I am starting to go crazy. I have never been so emotional in my life. There are days I don't even want to be here anymore. And I know life is not that bad and that my head is just in a really bad place right now. My heart is very big, and I feel everything very deeply. I have ADD and when something bothers me I CANNOT think straight. My emotions get in the way, it's like a blockade of normalcy. Today I just wish I could go for a run for miles and miles and miles and get lost and start a new life. This may be the weather talking, but I am just so melancholy today :/
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
I've come to the realization in my 21, almost 22, years of life that there are not a whole lot of people who actually care to hear what you go through, positive or negative. As I begin to speak, I watch their attention quickly wither away. They either zone out, are in their own thoughts, or go right to their phone. I have a lot of thoughts and I like to voice my thoughts, but it is really embarrassing to vocalize thoughts to your friends and realize that they are either not paying attention, or do not care. Now, I do not actually know if this will ever be read by anyone other than myself, but at least if it does I will know whoever read it cared enough to actually, well you know, read it.